How fitting that on the eve of Facebook's long-awaited IPO roadshow, the company that will be the architect of the social networking giant's inevitable demise made yet another high-profile Silicon Valley talent grab.
Yes, you read correctly. Facebook is doomed, though not because its growth is slowing, or because of user fatigue, or all the other valid reasons I usually cite.
It's because, even with a market capitalization of $95 billion, Facebook lacks the firepower (and talent; more on that to come) of the world's largest media company -- Manka Bros.
Last week, while the rest of the tech world (including myself) was in an uproar over Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson's fictional computer science degree and all that it implies, Manka Bros. was turning scandal into opportunity:
It seems that Silicon Valley and Wall Street are going ape sh*t over the fact that Scott Thompson didn’t really go to college or didn’t get a degree in whatever he said he got one in – or whatever.At Manka Bros., we could care less about that crap and I would like to offer Scott Thompson a job.
That's not some HR flunky making the above offer, that's Khan Manka, Jr., chairman and CEO of Manka Bros. Studios, the world's largest media company, not to mention former lead singer of legendary San Fernando Valley rock band King Khan.
Like the best NFL franchises, Manka drafts for talent, not need, hence Thompson's "sky's the limit (with limits)" offer:
[Y]ou can pretty much pick any area you want to work (except in New Media or Tech – we have a much higher education standard in place for those jobs).
Manka's move to scoop up Thompson is but the latest in the company's bid to acquire tech's top performers. Once the negotiations over perks are worked out, Manka will be bringing on Yahoo veterans Jerry Yang and Carol Bartz. You've been warned, Silicon Valley.
But it's not Manka's stockpiling of tech visionaries that dooms Facebook. It's Manka's plans to dominate the social networking market, thoroughly and without pity.
Manka Bros. is your only Friend now – because CALIGULA IS COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THE SOUL SUCKAGE THAT IS FACEBOOK! ...While I can’t give out any details of this exciting new platform, I can assure you that Caligula is already six times better than Facebook. When it launches, it will be over ten times better.
"Ten times better." Even the gullible rubes who can't wait to buy shares of Facebook at ridiculously inflated prices when the company goes public on May 18 can do that math.
So save your money when FB begins trading on the Nasdaq. You'll be buying tickets for the Titanic. Smart investors will wait patiently for Manka Bros. to go public.
Ethics statement: This blog post was written not just for the purposes of procuring "Friends and Family" shares in the event of a Manka IPO. It also was intended to attract an offer for a high-paying creative position at the world's largest media company.