Finally, some help for those who bravely resist the 'computer' fad

The Onion (America's Finest News Source) 'reports' on HP's breakthrough 'non-computer'

How many times has this happened to you?

You're in a coffee shop, minding your own business and surrounded by other patrons, all of whom are intently focused on their laptops, tablets or smartphones.

Every so often one of them glances up at you with a look of amused pity because you so clearly forgot to bring your computer to this trendy little cafe. You goofball!

Except you don't own a computer, nor do you want to own one. You're not one of the gullible sheeple! Alas, the damage to your reputation in the eyes of these hip strangers you'll never see again is incalculable.

Fortunately, Hewlett-Packard has come up with a handy device that will clear up any negative misconceptions about you and your relationship to computers. Well, at least according to The Onion.

The Internet's best and funniest faux news source lays out the details in an article titled, "HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer."

It's worth a full read (along with several other items, including this bizarre article), but here are some snippets.

Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a fully unusable device specially designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer.

CEO Léo Apotheker told reporters the non-computer was a long-overdue innovation that would finally allow consumers with zero interest in computers to enjoy all the benefits of not having one. ...

"It doesn't matter if you're in a coffee shop, on a plane, or camping in the middle of the woods," Apotheker said. "The non-computer's inability to even switch on, let alone pick up a Wi-Fi signal, means you'll be able to not use a computer wherever you are. It's that easy."

The non-computer's specs cited by The Onion include:

* no software

* no keyboard

* no monitor

* no memory

* no internal circuitry

In other words, the HP non-computer has everything someone who prefers not to own a computer would want. And all for an expected retail price of $4.99!

Meanwhile, ITworld has learned that Steve Ballmer is ordering Microsoft engineers to develop an even less functional non-computer to sell for $3.99.

I have to say, even though HP has a head start, I like Microsoft's odds in this market.

Insider: How the basic tech behind the Internet works
Join the discussion
Be the first to comment on this article. Our Commenting Policies