My application to become a Facebook ambassador

Facebook is assembling its own foreign service to spread the social gospel to governments from Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe. I want in on that. Here’s my job application.

Dear Facebook:

I understand from various reports in the media that you are launching a diplomatic corps. Please accept this blog post as my official application to join your global foreign service and become a Facebook ambassador.

Here are my qualifications:

* I can be diplomatic. Honest. Watch me: Mark Zuckerberg is not evil incarnate. See? I can do that all day.

* I know which fork to use first. (It’s the one farthest from the plate, and then you work your way inward with each new course – right?)

* I spend far too much time on Facebook than a human being with a healthy social life should. That’s because my social life mostly consists of leaving snarky comments on other people’s status updates.

* I am willing to have a “Like” button tattooed on any body part of your choosing. Just say the word. I think that more than meets your “passionate belief in Facebook” qualification, don’t you?

I realize you’ll have many qualified applicants, but I’m hoping you’ll pick me instead. First, however, I have some conditions you'll need to consider.

I’d like to be posted to a country where most of the people speak English, as I never paid much attention in high school French. (Hey, I sat behind Jackie DeChamplon – none of the guys paid attention to anything but her.) I can speak a little Italian, but only when ordering in restaurants.

My preference would be Ireland, as I already know of several good pubs in Dublin and I have some relatives there who owe me money.

I would also accept a posting in India, as I understand most people there speak English and I just can’t get enough of that spicy chicken masala. I have seen Slumdog Millionaire three times and TiVo’d every episode of “Outsourced” in anticipation of this.

Iceland is also on my short list. Everyone there is gorgeous, they all have names like Guðrún Eva Mínervudóttir and Björk Guðmundsdóttir, and they have volcanoes inside glaciers. How awesome is that?

In fact, I’d be good with pretty much any country starting with the letter I except Indonesia (too warm, too theocratic, Somali pirates), Iran, or Iraq (obviously).

[ See also: Is 'stealing' private Facebook photos just like stealing TVs? ]

I think I’d be an excellent candidate for spreading the good word about new norms in social sharing and why Facebook deserves special exemptions form all laws regarding data governance and personal privacy. Also: I’m really good at giving bribes, which I understand is the custom in many foreign lands.

(“Hey is that your suitcase stuffed with gold bullion sitting under the table? I know it isn’t mine.”)

Best of all, this blog would constitute a conflict of interest, so I’d have to discontinue it. I’d be out of your hair and helping you achieve world domination at the same time. It’s a win win (or, as they say in Iceland, a vinna vinna).

In all, I think you would be well served by hiring me to join your diplomatic corps. I eagerly await your response.

TY4NS blogger Dan Tynan has not yet incited an international diplomatic incident, but there’s still time. Visit his eHumor site eSarcasm or follow him on Twitter: @tynan_on_tech.

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