In one day on Twitter, Charlie Sheen tops 1 million followers. Because that's how you WIN. Fools.

Microblogging service now infused with tiger blood, Adonis DNA, bizarre claims of victory

Twitter is on a drug, and that drug is Charlie Sheen. The formerly highest-paid actor on television and currently ranting talk-show guest joined Twitter on Tuesday, no doubt in service to one of his plans that is superior to any plan concocted by the 20-something porn star/domestic goddess with whom he lives and with whom he enjoys innumerable "wins," often clad in nothing more than underwear. (Also see: Westboro Baptist Church web site under satanic assault!) And in a scant 25 hours and 17 minutes, the self-proclaimed "total bitchin' rock star from Mars" had more than 1 million followers of @charliesheen, which apparently is a Guinness World Record for “Fastest Time to Reach 1 Million Followers.” This is a new category for Guinness, so it's not entirely clearly which lame Earthling Sheen knocked from the top slot. Probably Ashton Kutcher or John Stamos. Whoever it was, they've been owned by a man who makes them look like droopy-eyed, armless children who must tweet with their noses or at least buy that "brain-tweeting" device some Austrian company just invented. Update: @charliesheen now has 1,143,639 followers! By my calculations, at this rate, everyone in the world will be following Sheen on Twitter by March 9. And why not? Following him on Twitter may not be as intense as borrowing Sheen's not-from-this-terrestrial-realm, F18-powered intellect, but it does afford glimpses of what Sheen describes as his "magic" and the "poetry in my fingertips." For example, he offers twitpics of his wristwatch, of him holding up a cake with a design of an Oscar statue on it (but the head is Sheen's!), of him standing in front of a television, flashing the victory sign with both hands and claiming some generic "win," and of...well, there's definitely some magic here, I'll grant Sheen that. Bottom line, fawners, admirers, haters, lesser celebrities and all other lesser beings: In fewer than 20 tweets, the man who is "tired of pretending like I'm not special" not only has mastered Twitter, he has revolutionized it -- solely with the power of his mind and a plan far better than that of any busty porn star/domestic goddess. Don't even try to wrap your puny heads around that one. Just accept the bi-win. Oh, and you're welcome.

Chris Nerney writes about the business side of technology market strategies and trends, legal issues, leadership changes, mergers, venture capital, IPOs and technology stocks. Follow him on Twitter @ChrisNerney.

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