Tech-or-treat: What 13 tech companies might be handing out this Halloween

Here’s what trick-or-treaters could expect to get if these technology companies turned on their porch lights this Halloween

13 Halloween treats from your favorite tech companies
Credit: ITworld/Steve Traynor

This week households across the United States will once again turn on their porch lights and hand out candy and treats to hordes of trick-or-treaters. Sometimes you can predict what kind of treat a house will give out, like the dentist who gives out sugar free candy or the health nut who gives out apples.

Imagine, then, if some of those technology companies we all know and love (or love to hate) also turned on their lights for trick-or-treaters. What goodies could the kiddies expect from Google or Facebook or Apple? Here are 13 tech companies and the treats they'd probably be giving out.

Microsoft/Milk Duds
Credit: ITworld/Steve Traynor
Microsoft

Primary treat: Milk Duds

Why: While Microsoft continues to make lots of money, primary driven by its software and corporate services, it’s been rolling out consumer device dud after consumer device dud to the general public for years.

Secondary treat: Dum Dums

Why: Though they got rid of him years ago, dumb would aptly describe any company that thought Clippy was a good idea to foist on its users in the first place.

Facebook/Whoppers
Credit: ITworld/Steve Traynor
Facebook

Primary treat: Whoppers

Why: Facebook is famous for its complicated terms and policies, particularly regarding privacy and data use. Not only are the policies themselves large whoppers of legalese, many people view Facebook’s claims that they’re looking out for their users’ best interests as whoppers of another kind, making this candy the obvious choice.

Secondary treat: Doublemint Gum

Why: Mark Zuckerberg is not only a good businessman, but also seems to have a sense of humor. So it wouldn’t be a shock to see him hand out this famous gum as a jab at his former business colleagues.

IBM/Candy cigarettes
Credit: ITworld/Steve Traynor
IBM

Primary treat: Candy cigarettes

Why: When you think of Big Blue, no doubt, you think of engineers in the 1950’s and 60’s with crewcuts, thick glasses and short sleeve shirts huddled over their desks working on things from electric typewriters to Apollo rockets all the while, just like everybody else back then, smoking heavily.

Secondary treat: Nerds

Why: These guys were nerds long before nerds became cool, creating things like FORTRAN, DRAM and a chess-playing supercomputer.

Google/Smarties
Credit: ITworld/Steve Traynor
Google

Primary treat: Smarties

Why: Like Google or not, you’d be hard pressed not to admit that the company that brought us things like the web’s definitive search and mapping engines, not to mention really smart glasses and, someday soon, driverless cars, isn’t chock full of really smart people.

Secondary treat: Cheez Doodles

Why: If you haven’t already guessed why, it’s in honor of things like this and this and this.

Oracle/100 Grand bar
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Oracle

Primary treat: 100 Grand bar

Why: When your company’s CEO, Larry Ellison, is the 3rd richest person in the U.S. and not exactly shy about showing off his wealth, you naturally give out a candy bar formerly known as a $100,000 Bar which has a slogan of “That’s rich!”

Secondary treat: Mounds

Why: When your company’s CEO is also the owner of the last two America’s Cup winners, you have visions of a three hour tour gone horribly wrong and living on a deserted island so you also give out a candy filled with coconut.

Twitter/Peeps
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Twitter

Primary treat: Peeps

Why: The original and most famous version of the popular marshmallow treats are shaped like little chicks. Twitter, tweets, peeps, get it?

Secondary treat: Gummy whales

Why: While Twitter is pretty stable these days, anybody who used it in the late aughts is more than familiar with the Twitter fail whale, hence this choice of treat.

BlackBerry/Wax lips
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BlackBerry

Primary treat: Wax lips

Why: Once upon a time, wax lips were a popular Halloween candy but now, not so much. Similarly, once upon a time, not nearly as long ago, BlackBerries were really popular but these days, not so much, making these two things a perfect Halloween match.

Secondary treat: Circus Peanuts

Why: Those big orange candy peanuts that taste like banana are another old timey candy that used to be popular way back in the day and which are still around today even though nobody seems to want them - just like BlackBerry.

Yahoo!/Jordan almonds
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Yahoo!

Primary treat: Jordan Almonds

Why: They’re very colorful and appealing on the outside, but are filled with stuff that few people really want on the inside. Of course we’re talking about Jordan Almonds but we could also just as well be talking about Yahoo!, what with its spiffy new logo and fashionable CEO but services that leave some wanting more.

Secondary treat: Hershey’s Kisses

Why: Nothing will bring the track-or-treaters (or, at least, their dads) to Yahoo!’s door like announcing that Marissa Mayer is giving out free Kisses.

Cisco/apple
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Cisco

Primary treat: Apples

Why: When you’re trick-or-treating there always has to be one house that gives out healthy treats and Cisco would be the most likely tech company to give out something we all need but which isn’t very exciting. Sure, we could all use a good router in our home but how excited would you be to get one as a present?

Secondary treat: Bit-O-Honey

Why: Nothing says bland like networking equipment - or bits of almonds covered in honey-flavored taffy. Meh.

Amazon/Good 'N Plenty
Credit: ITworld.Steve Traynor
Amazon

Primary treat: Good ‘N Plenty

Why: There’s seems to be no end to the stuff you can get on Amazon these days, from books to music to TV shows to groceries, basically just about anything. The good stuff is so plentiful on Amazon that this is obviously the candy they would be giving out.

Secondary treat: Payday

Why: More and more of what most people bring home on payday is going to Amazon so why not give out Payday bars when the Good ‘N Plenty run out?

Hewlett-Packard/Werther's Original
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Hewlett-Packard

Primary treat: Werther’s Original

Why: Hewlett-Packard was started by two buddies in a California garage in 1939, building things like audio oscillators for Walt Disney. While the company is still going strong, they feel a bit like the granddaddy of tech companies, so it seems likely that they would give out the kind of candy that grandparents give their grandkids.

Secondary treat: Ribbon candy

Why: It’s another old-timey candy grandad might give you. Also, ribbon candy might remind you of magnetic tape which will also remind you that HP still makes tape drives.

Apple/Godiva chocolates
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Apple

Primary treat: Godiva chocolates

Why: The gold standard of technology brands - and, in fact, the gold standard for any consumer brand - could only be expected to give out a high end candy treat.

Secondary treat: Snickers

Why: Because every time someone predicts Apple’s imminent demise, you can probably hear a good round of snickering coming from the executive offices in Cupertino.

Samsung/Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bar
Credit: ITworld/Steve Traynor
Samsung

Primary treat: Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bar

Why: If you believe what Apple claims about Samsung smartphones, then when it comes to Halloween candy, you’d have to assume that Samsung would just offer trick-or-treaters larger, cheaper versions of Apple’s offering of Godiva chocolates. One important thing to note: just like Samsung smartphones outsells iPhones, Hershey’s sells more chocolate than Godiva.

Secondary treat: Fruit Roll-Ups

Why: Lately, Samsung seems obsessed with flexible screens, so you’d have to figure they’d also be into flexible candies.