1. Robert X. “Ol Blue Eyes” Cringely
Sinatra gave me the name when we woke up together next to an empty Scotch cask in the summer of ’72. We forged a lifelong bond that day. My suitability for the top Microsoft post is obvious. Blessed with handsome looks, a genius IQ, a complete lack of hubris, and the ability to deal with any kind of pressure or crisis as long as I have access to a wet bar, there really was no better candidate currently inhabiting the planet. So it’s time to admit the hoax, Microsoft. Nadella isn’t your man; I am.
If I’m not, and don’t make a few billion soon, Pammy’s going to dump me for an old LPGA girlfriend named Slerma. Microsoft, you’re my last great hope!