Marissa Mayer takes Yahoo back to the... past

The Yahoo CEO’s (hypothetical) internal memo, responding to the “no telecommuting” announcement

amish-600x450_0.jpgImage credit: REUTERS/Bradley C Bower
Is this Yahoo's new corporate ride?

YAHOO PROPRIETARY AND CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION — DO NOT FORWARD

Dear Yahoos,

In light of the strong response to yesterday’s announcement that we’re asking all telecommuters to now work in Yahoo offices, I thought I should follow up to clarify the reasons for this decision and to show how it fits into a larger goal that we’ve developed to help Yahoo regain its mojo.

As Jackie said in her memo, we need to be working side-by-side on a daily basis. But, more than that, we also need to stop being so distracted by the modern world so that we can focus on making Yahoo all that it can really be. That’s why the end of telecommuting is just one part of a multifaceted plan that I’ve come up with to lead us into the future by taking us back into the past.

I’ve decided that, in addition to requiring everyone to work in the office, we will also be implementing the following policies before the end of 2013 (I was going to wait to announce these but, what the hey?):

Plain clothing dress code - Fancy, fashionable clothes only encourage vanity and overconfidence, not to mention lust and office romance, which will only distract us from our business goals. Starting in July, all Yahoo men will be required to wear plain collared shirts, khaki slacks and suspenders. All women will be required to wear to ankle length dresses or skirts, long sleeves and head coverings. Also, no makeup, perfumes or jewelry, aside from wedding bands. So, fellas, use up the last of that Axe body spray now!

Plain computers - Except for the small number of employees who absolutely need it to complete a business task, starting in August all other Yahoo employees will be issued new computers without Internet access. In addition, your new computer will only support word processing, spreadsheets and project management software, and will not support audio, video, games, photos or anything else remotely resembling fun - just the way Bill Gates originally meant your PC to be.

Phone shanties - To further reduce needless distraction, starting in September, all cell phones and desktop phones will be banned from Yahoo offices. For those who absolutely, positively need to make a phone call during business hours, we will provide phone shanties, strategically placed on the Yahoo campus. Heads up: they’ll be of the rotary, payphone variety, so start saving your quarters now!

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