September 15, 2010, 8:53 AM —
(Author's note: In this article, some source names are obfuscated for privacy reasons.)
I met my husband when we worked together on a special project. My friend Jim met his wife at the office. Robin met and broke up with - oh, well, you get the idea.
An office romance is difficult enough for the two people involved, especially if the relationship doesn't last. But if you're the manager of love-birds cooing in your department, the situation can be even worse. The boss must be concerned with team productivity. In the best of circumstances, in-office love affairs can have little effect on the business. But we all know they also can create a minor distraction or generate major work disruptions - and there's no way to predict or control which way it'll go.
Bill Speir, Jr., a management consultant and former IT executive, recalled his own long-ago office romance that fell apart in a lover's triangle. "When we broke up, we took the department down with us. It created such a disruption in the workplace that we were all told to either resign or accept transfer to other divisions."
Romance-at-work raises all sorts of management questions, few of which have easy answers. When should a manager take note of the romantic relationship? Surely not when two friendly coworkers have lunch regularly. But certainly something ought to be said before the individuals move into an apartment together. But once you notice ... what do you do? What should you do?
It's not an uncommon scenario; according to a survey conducted by Vault.com, a workplace and career site, 46% of employees have been involved in an office romance. If you haven't dealt with this issue yet, you surely will.
I asked experts and experienced managers for advice, which I summarize below. The bottom line is that management awareness is necessary, but most managers make their own decisions about appropriate action. Unfortunately, nobody is sure what those decisions should be.
At one extreme, one non-manager respondent said, "Why, but tell me oh why, should it be a concern for anybody but the two persons concerned?" At the other extreme: A manager named Dwain wrote, "At the first inclination of a serious relationship, I recommend sitting [the people] down at the same time, congratulating them on the relationship, and asking which is remaining with the company. This way you at least salvage one person."
The middle ground is far more common. But from an employee's point of view, there's no way to know how a specific manager (that is, you) or a human resources (HR) department will respond. Few companies have formal policies about office romances, and even fewer employees know what's in them. That doesn't build trust and creates sometimes-unnecessary secrets. It's no wonder that trade-show guy Dave Maskin said, "Most folks I know who are dating and work at the same company basically hide it from their boss."
So, the first thing a manager should do is publicly publish the company or department's rules and expectations. Once you figure out what those should be, that is.
What Should Be in the Company Policy?
According to a white paper published in 2002 by the Society for Human Resources Management (SHRM), the most important issue is to have a corporate policy. Otherwise, decisions become arbitrary, making problem resolution even more difficult in a by-its-nature emotional situation. As the SHRM white paper explains, "HR faces problems both when a romance is too hot and when it's gone bad. A company is laying itself open to [law] suits from disgruntled fellow employees and demoted or dismissed lovers."
Company policies are based on corporate culture and sometimes on outside influences. At Southwest Airlines, for instance, the company encourages romance; the company has 1,100 married couples. As management consultant Brenda Kerton observed, her company never considered banning couples. "Do you have any idea how much extra work got done by couples discussing work problems and solutions outside of the office?" she says.
