If Tim Cook recapped Apple's 2012

The Apple CEO’s (hypothetical) holiday letter to family and friends, recapping the company’s eventful 2012

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Guess who got to hang out with the Foo Fighters in 2012? Hint: Not Eric Schmidt or Mark Zuckerberg!

REUTERS/Beck Diefenbach

December 2012

Greetings, friends and loved ones! Here’s hoping that this letter finds you in good health and having a wonderful holiday season - and not reading this on an Android device. Ha! Just kidding (sort of). 

I’m writing to recap the events of this momentous year for my company - though I’m already working on a better version with Retina Display which should be available in six to eight months.

Apple’s 2012 was year full of highs (like what I must’ve been when I approved Apple Maps) and lows (like where our is stock is headed).

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The year started on a somber note, as it was our first new year since the passing of our friend and leader, Steve Jobs. Since I took over as CEO I’ve left his executive bathroom exactly as it was when he died - partly out of tribute and partly because he didn’t leave me the key! Such a kidder, Steve was. Seriously, though, if you have the key or can pick a lock, please let me know.

2012 really was the year of the iPad for us, starting with the release of the third generation version in March. This one came with Retina Display, our new A5X chip and about 50 grams more weight than the iPad 2 - which came in handy once we made the iPad 3, essentially, a paperweight by releasing the fourth generation version in November. But hey, all of those people with an iPad 3 can take solace in the fact that their purchase led to us to announce our first shareholder dividend in 16 years!


Phil Schiller models our new executive dress code

REUTERS/Beck Diefenbach

To further rub salt in the wound of those iPad 3 rubes - sorry, loyal customers - we also released the iPad mini in November. The iPad mini was a big hit, with 2 million units sold during its opening weekend of sales - which, I believe, was the biggest opening weekend for a mini since Tom Cruise’s last movie. The iPad mini was such a big hit two thieves stole 3,600 of them from JFK airport . Police still haven’t caught the perpetrators but they say that the suspects should be considered armed and very hip. Keep your eyes peeled!

Aside from the iPad mini, our other big success of the year was the release of the iPhone 5 in September, which was also a chance for us to break out our new executive team dress code. The iPhone 5 is made of glass, aluminum and (as I recall) fairy dust and sports a bigger screen, better color saturation (don’t worry, I don’t know what that means, either) and LTE support. One of its key new features is support for panoramic photos - which I personally tested by taking a picture of all our patent lawyers at once. Rest assured that I won't be posting it on Instagram. Note to self: hire away some of those Instagram lawyers!

Speaking of patent lawyers, the iPhone 5 was also the first device to use our new 8-pin Lightning connector. In conjunction with this, we also initiated a patent infringement lawsuit against the National Weather Service; I’m glad to say we reached an amicable settlement and they will now refer to lightning either as a “massive electrostatic discharge” or be forced to pay us a licensing fee.

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