Marissa Mayer takes Yahoo back to the... past

The Yahoo CEO’s (hypothetical) internal memo, responding to the “no telecommuting” announcement

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Energy independence - To protect Yahoo from being at the whim of outside forces as much as possible (and to save a few bucks), we plan, by October, to disengage ourselves from the energy grid. For example, instead of email, all interoffice communication will be done by pneumatic tubes. I’ve also directed our IT operations staff to begin converting our data centers to hydraulic power and, to generate what little electricity we’ll need, we’ll use giant hamster wheels powered by interns. Our creativity shall no longer be bounded by the lack of alternating (or even direct) current!

Travel via horse and buggy - Starting in November, for those who need to travel for work, or even to commute, you will be required to use a horse and buggy. Since you will no longer have a cell phone (or a radio or air conditioning) to distract you while driving, you can use the extra commuting time (not to mention the smell of horse droppings) to clear your head of impure thoughts and think about how best to meet your next deadline.

No more corporate parties - Needless to say, office parties are a waste of time, money and, as I think we can all attest from past experiences, somebody’s dignity. To that end, starting in December, we will no longer sponsor or support frivolous social events on company time or property. However, we do still recognize the need for community gatherings to boost morale so the annual Yahoo holiday party will be replaced with a good old fashioned barn raising. Those of you not handy with tools can work in the kitchen to help make the community meal of scrapple, apple juice and pie.

By now, some of you may have noticed that, in formulating these new policies, I’ve taken a page or three from the Amish playbook. I figure, heck, they’ve been around a lot longer than Google, Facebook or (I’m pretty sure) even Microsoft, so I think they know what they’re doing when it comes to building a sustainable business plan.

Besides, only by actively trying to live in the past can we move confidently into a future where, God willing, we will relive the past - you know, when things were better for Yahoo.

As I see it, until now, Yahoo has been experiencing its own rumspringa, which is a natural part of life. But now it’s time to grow up - and what better way than by putting on some plain trousers or modest blouses? After you get a taste for these new policies, I think you’ll agree.

There you have it. Have questions? Please feel free to shoot them my way via pneumatic tube.

Best,
MM

P.S. Along these lines, you may have also noticed in this memo that we’ve officially dropped the exclamation point from our name, as I feel it’s too “in your face” for the new Yahoo. Please update your email signatures - pardon me, your pneumatic mail signatures - appropriately.

Read more of Phil Johnson's #Tech blog and follow the latest IT news at ITworld. Follow Phil on Twitter at @itwphiljohnson. For the latest IT news, analysis and how-tos, follow ITworld on Twitter and Facebook.

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