November 23, 2011, 12:15 PM — Stung by the Federal Communications Commission's decision on Tuesday to order an extra review of its planned $39 billion acquisition of rival T-Mobile USA, AT&T on Wednesday announced a bold new partnership and marketing campaign.
"Like millions of patriotic Americans around the country, we are appalled that the federal government is using its vast power to deprive hard-working mobile customers of their Constitutional right to have one less major wireless provider," said AT&T chief executive Randall Stephenson at a press conference in Boston. "The FCC's baseless claim that reducing the U.S. wireless market to a duopoly is 'anticompetitive,' along with Justice Department's ongoing 'antitrust' witchhunt, is, somehow, someway, a threat to free people everywhere.
"Rather than rely on our apparently incompetent army of Washington lobbyists, or continue to waste hundreds of thousands of dollars investing in a political campaign system that we and other corporations, you know, paid for! -- sorry, this gets me a little hot under the collar -- AT&T has decided to take its case to the people.
"And not just any people. I'm talking about America's greatest patriots, a group of principled freemen and women dedicated to protecting the rights of our nation's wealthiest individuals and corporations. Therefore I am proud today to announce an exciting new partnership, as well as a new company name. Allow me to be the first to introduce you to:
Stephenson, wearing a tri-cornered hat and brandishing a musket at the press conference in front of Boston Harbor, said AT&Tea Party will roll out an aggressive marketing campaign to pressure federal regulators to approve the T-Mobile deal. Among the marketing slogans being considered:
* Don't Tread On Me or AT&T
* We'll Give Up Our Merger When You Pry It From Our Cold, Dead Hands
* If 'Trust' Is a Good Thing, Then Why Is Our Government 'Antitrust'?
* Occupy Wall Street? How About Occupy Burdensome Government Regulations, You Filthy Hippies!
* God, Guns and Giant Corporations Are What Made This Country Great
(Note: Just in case there's any confusion, I'm making this up, folks.)