December 12, 2011, 3:54 PM — It looks like Apple's secret police force soon may be battering down some doors.
No, it's not another missing iPhone prototype. It's much, much worse. It seems Apple's army of devoted fanboys has been infiltrated by mercenary, godless imposters!
As you may recall, Apple Nation was abuzz last Friday over the company's opening of its Grand Central Station retail store in New York. The media dutifully reported on the event, with the Wall Street Journal focusing on the weird "cult around Apple's T-shirts."
It seems many of the people who queue up early for Apple store openings are there not for the products -- what the hell, they own them all anyway -- but for the free t-shirts the company traditionally gives to the first 1,000 or so people who breathlessly burst through the door.
One of the Apple acolytes in line Friday, Kevin Harrington of Greenwich, Conn., revealed to the WSJ a dangerous secret -- "[T]he most-prized items in his wardrobe are a couple of Apple tees he's not really supposed to have: shirts that Apple's retail employees have worn as uniforms."
Risky business, because Apple "forbids employees from selling, giving away or donating the retail employee T-shirts to charity, say current and former employees," the WSJ reports:
Mr. Harrington says Apple-employee friends sneaked him the contraband shirts with one condition: "I am under strict orders not to wear them," he says, adding that doing so would make him feel like an impostor similar to "dressing up as a police officer."
Impersonating a police officer is bad enough, but check this out: Many people in line early Friday to get t-shirts were merely posing as Apple fanboys as part of a tawdry scheme to enrich their own coffers!
An explosive charge, to be sure. But I have evidence. Check out these eBay listings.
That's right, no sooner did these avaricious imposters get their hands on these sacred cloths, they put them up on eBay for auction, where they fetched in the area of $100 each.
Why don't these greedy schemers just break into the Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist in Italy and put a reserve on the Shroud of Turin? It's that sacreligious.
And the online auction site eBay allows this to go on? Maybe it's time for Apple's fanboys to Occupy eBay!
Or maybe it's time for Apple to conduct background checks on the people in line for store openings. Because clearly loyalty oaths aren't enough.