February 09, 2011, 12:34 PM —
The tech world is buzzing about the memo allegedly written by Nokia chief executive Stephen Elop to employees, in which he outlines the perilous market situation facing the struggling Finland-based mobile phone company, likening it to a man standing on a burning oil platform.
(Also see: Ballmer turns to geeks to save his own butt)
While they continue their little argument, ITworld has come up with the more important part of the story: What does Elop propose Nokia do to reverse its slide? On Friday, Elop is scheduled to meet with analysts in London to announce major changes to Nokia's strategy and senior management.
Itworld has obtained a draft copy of the bold, secret 10-point action plan Elop intends to unveil in London. We present it below:
My Bold, Secret 10-Point Action Plan to Save Nokia
by Stephen Elop, CEO
1. Issue flame-retardant clothing for all employees
2. Sue BP for "burning platform" disaster
3. No more of this silly Finnish talk around here. I don't even know what the hell you people are saying half the time. From now on, it's English-only.
4. Partner with my former employer, Microsoft. If anyone knows how to win in the smartphone market, it's Steve Ballmer.
5. Start rumor that Apple CEO Steve Jobs is going on an indefinite medical leave of absence.
6. Begin selling furniture, take advantage of confusion between Nokia and Ikea.
7. I will go to Lenscrafters to pick out more modern glasses, something with bolder frames. I now realize the "junior-high math teacher from the 1980s" look lacks gravitas.
8. DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! (Not an action point, it just feels good to yell that at the top of my lungs once in awhile. Another tip I learned from Ballmer.)
9. Increase my salary and benefits package by 50 percent. This will make me twice as determined and accountable. Now that's ROI!
10. Sell Nokia to AOL, become the go-to source for the latest mobile news on celebrity nip-slips and Charlie Sheen.
Note to Wall Street Journal: Do not, under any circumstances, try to take credit for this scoop. I'm watching you.
Chris Nerney writes about the business side of technology market strategies and trends, legal issues, leadership changes, mergers, venture capital, IPOs and technology stocks. Follow him on Twitter @ChrisNerney.