February 10, 2011, 4:05 PM — Dear Apple Fanboys,
I'm disappointed in you. And it's not just me; the entire media have been let down by your no-show on the BIG DAY that Verizon began selling Apple's iPhone to the general public.
Where are the long lines? The sleeping bags? The hyperventilating interviewees? The video of AT&T iPhone owners calling and tweeting that they're, like, 15th in line to buy the Verizon version of Apple's iconic smartphone! Double iPhone ownership! How viral-worthy would that footage be?
Sure, one could argue that the absence of rabid Apple fanboys queuing up around three city blocks at 5 a.m. to buy Verizon's iPhone 4 is an even better story. But screw that; no one buys into that J-school drivel anymore. We just want to do our jobs and go home, except for the ones who work at home and just want to do their jobs and stay home. Either way, our schedules have been thrown off by your appalling inaction.
Not only that, don't you realize we already wrote our stories in anticipation of the expected frenzied Verizon store mob scenes? Now we have to start again from scratch. It's really quite inconsiderate, if you must know.
In the old days, we could get on the "horn" and say "gimme rewrite." Now we can't even text "gimme rewrite" because rewrite doesn't exist anymore. And let's face it, "gimme aggregation" lacks the same panache. Instead, you've given us "aggravation." (That's right, even in my current state of distress, the wordplay flows effortlessly. It's a gift.)
Now, I know this next thing is my problem, but your failure to play your assigned roles has plunged me into a serious financial crisis. At my suggestion last week, hundreds of Verizon stores across the country bought fainting couches for this special day. Now I'm already getting invoices from these Verizon retail outlets, demanding I pay for all this furniture out of my own pocket! What am I going to do with a bunch of fainting couches? Right now, I only need one of them.
So I think some apologies are in order, Apple fanboys. Not just to me or the other tech journalists and bloggers around the country. But to Verizon and Apple. So get cracking. Even better, get out there and do your part as true Apple loyalists -- which is to buy whatever the company sells, without fail and without question. It's the least you can do.
Also, if you check eBay, you can find some excellent deals on fainting couches. But you'll have to pay for delivery. Fair is fair.
A disappointed blogger
Chris Nerney writes about the business side of technology market strategies and trends, legal issues, leadership changes, mergers, venture capital, IPOs and technology stocks. Follow him on Twitter @ChrisNerney.