February 07, 2011, 6:32 PM — Vehicles would be free, but gas would cost $100 a gallon.
You wouldn't need a license, or know how to drive, but the car would only run on roads built by a specific carrier.
Every time you came to an intersection that crossed roads owned by another carrier, you'd have to pay an extra fee to cross, even if you didn't drive on them.
All the roads would have only one lane in each direction.
You could drive only as fast as the car directly in front of you; it would never pull over to get out of the way.
You could only drive a certain distance every month; if you exceed your limit you'd be stopped every mile to pay a toll equal to your monthly road fee.
If the road is marked 3G or 4G you could go as fast as you want, until someone from the company stepped out to stop the car and make you walk the rest of the way home.
Even though you can only drive on one carrier's roads, all the carriers would compete to see whose design for tires should become the new standard on all the roads; none of the new wheels would work on existing roads.
Every three years you'd have to buy a completely new car from a salesman who tells you your old one is fine "if all you want to do is, you know, drive."
If you bought from Apple
Your vehicle would be an iBrid; it would be energy efficient, more attractive than anyone you've ever dated, and would make you feel popular when you're alone.
It would be so beautiful you'd want to show it to all your friends. They would have to come to your house to see it because the iBrid could only drive 100 yards before stopping and making you start the trip over from the beginning.
The uber-cool of your car would be offset by the unter-cool of the maker of the roads.
Gas, tires and the special clothing you need to ride in it would all cost extra because less attractive accessories won't fit the specially shaped gaps you use to put them in the car.
You could decorate it any way you want, but you'd have to get every bumper sticker, coffee cup and window sticker personally approved by Steve Jobs before paying an expert to stick it on.
Your iBrid would have more entertainment options than your house, but would only play audio and video you buy from Apple for twice the cost of less attractive music.
You still wouldn't like The Fratellis.