July 01, 2011, 11:26 AM — Oh. My. God.
If only there were a way to fast-forward through the upcoming Fourth of July holiday so we can get right to next week, when, we have been promised by Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook will "launch something awesome."
And when Zuck says something is awesome, we must believe him, the same way we should believe Facebook when it tells us privacy "is the number one most important thing" to the company. Number One! After all, the rich and successful are just like you and me, except more credible. It's known as the Trump Doctrine.
Back to the pending awesomeness. What could it be? I've scoured the Internet for clues and have come up with the following possibilities:
* An emotional one-hour live webcast hosted by Oprah Winfrey in which Zuck and the Winklevoss twins tearfully reunite and bury the hatchet, possibly into the head of this guy.
* Release of a Facebook app for Apple's iPad. This strikes me as more inevitable than awesome, not to mention far less awesome for the vast majority of Facebook users who currently don't own an iPad. But why listen to me? (See Trump Doctrine above.)
* Cloud-based, step-by-step instructional video starring Zuckerberg in which the Facebook CEO demonstrates how to kill animals with your bare hands.
* Special "Join Google+" button. Facebook didn't get where it is today by ignoring trends.
* Social TV, in which your vast and bewildering programming guide is filtered by your "friends," thus sparing you anxiety and indecision, if not "Toddlers and Tiaras."
* Massive marketing campaign mimicking Apple's famous "1984" television ad for the Mac. In this version, Zuck hurls his Sledgehammer of Information Freedom at a giant monitor showing Facebook's Privacy Guide, thus liberating oppressed users from the stifling shackles of "privacy."
* Facebook for Fetuses. This would allow the social networking giant to skirt the irritating Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), which prohibits websites that collect data about users from allowing access to anyone under age 13.
* eBay auction for Facebook. Zuck is anxious to return to college and get that degree, in hopes of someday making something of himself. Reserve to be set at a modest $75 billion, thus giving everyone a fair chance.