September 08, 2011, 11:09 AM — Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! Have you heard? Facebook, the most glorious, life-affirming corporation ever -- which has thankfully liberated hundreds of millions of people around the world from quaint and restrictive notions of "privacy" -- generated more revenue in the first half of the year than any company in any of those companies' entire histories!
Well, almost. The social networking giant actually had revenue of $1.6 billion in the first two quarters of 2011, double the amount it made in the same period last year. At least according to a "source with knowledge of its financials," Reuters reports.
We can assume this is true because anonymous sources do not mislead the media. They always only try to provide accurate information to help the public, and never, ever have a hidden agenda. That would betray the Anonymous Source Universal Code of Ethics, which is known at the Wall Street Journal as the Person Familiar With the Matter Code of Ethics.
The No. 1 rule in the above-mentioned Codes of Ethics is that the "source" have absolutely no vested interest in the "matter." Fortunately, this rule has never been violated by a single source!
No doubt that's the case with the Reuters source, who couldn't possibly benefit financially from stoking interest in Facebook's prospective IPO. So even though Reuters' source has "knowledge" of Facebook's financials, you can be assured that he or she isn't associated with Accel Partners (10% ownership), Digital Sky Technologies (10%) or any of the other investors or private shareholders of Facebook. I mean, why would investors and powerful shareholders be familiar with a private company's financials? And then blab about it to the media? That would be bizarre, not to mention self-serving, so we know it never happens.
While Facebook's valuation in private markets is now pegged at $80 billion, "people familiar with the matter" (copyright alert, WSJ!) told CNBC less than three months ago that it could be worth more than $100 billion by the first quarter of next year, when it may go public.
Child's play. My own impeccable "person familiar with the matter" tells me that by the first quarter of next year, Facebook will be more valuable than the "exotic planet made of diamonds" recently found by astronomers 4,000 light years away!
A planet that Peter Thiel intends to populate with a master race of libertarians, as soon as he figures out a way to get there.