Double disappointment for doomsday dolts: Asteroid Apophis will blow not one, but two chances to kill us all

NASA says Apophis will miss Earth in flybys in 2029, 2036 (so please pick another year for us to perish)

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It's hard out there for a doomsday cultist.

Five times last year -- five times! -- doomsday predictions failed to come true. There was the Mayan apocalypse, of course, plus four others from several scam artists leaders of tiny religious groups.

It's getting so any self-respecting doomsday movement has nothing to look forward to, nothing on which to hang their delusional, apocalyptic hat. Now NASA is adding insult to injury by announcing that the asteroid Apophis likely won't be crashing into Earth in 23 years, possibly destroying life as we know it.

NASA scientists at the agency's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., effectively have ruled out the possibility the asteroid Apophis will impact Earth during a close flyby in 2036. The scientists used updated information obtained by NASA-supported telescopes in 2011 and 2012, as well as new data from the time leading up to Apophis' distant Earth flyby [on January 9].

This after NASA recently said Apophis -- which is more than 1,000 feet wide -- would most definitely not be slamming into our beloved planet in 2029. Can't Apophis do anything right? (To be fair, previous estimates had given the asteroid only a 2.7% chance of hitting Earth. Sure, not a likelihood, but at least something to give a doomsday cultist a ray of hope.)

"The impact odds as they stand now are less than one in a million, which makes us comfortable saying we can effectively rule out an Earth impact in 2036," Don Yeomans, manager of NASA's Near-Earth Object Program Office at JPL, said in a statement.

Killjoy.

Wait, he said "less than one in a million." That's not zero! Plus you just know they're not telling us everything. It would cause panic...

Now read this:

Bizarre stuff you never knew about Venus and Mars

The tiny (yet powerful) world of speckled computing

Distracting sounds linked to diminished focus, memory, according to LSU study

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